war is not conducive to love
by cuddlesome
Summary: Rey confesses to the Resistance that she's bonded to you know who and everything goes to hell from there.
1. Chapter 1

Rey can feel their bond stretched across the galaxy, pulled taut to the point of snapping. She'll see him sometimes, a flash of dark eyes and darker hair and a soft mouth that she's either going to punch or kiss given the opportunity.

They don't speak, don't even make eye contact if they can help it, but he's doing a poorer job of disguising how hurt he is. Even when he marches by her, probably flanked by stormtroopers in whatever location he's in, Rey can feel his visceral reaction to seeing her. Often a more brooding expression than usual passes over his face. She hopes she manages to keep up her facade better than he does without the assistance of his mask.

The bond shows him half-drowned one night and Rey can't stop herself from crying out his name-his real name-in shock. He sits up. He's exposed to her much more than she ever thought he would be, pale and wet and shaking. The logical part of Rey's brain catches up and she realizes he must be curled up at the bottom of a 'fresher. His eyes are puffy and red and his voice creaks when he says her name.

Rey wants to scream at him for making her care but she runs instead. It's on this night that she decides she has to tell someone or else risk going insane. She thinks that confessing will make everything better. It doesn't.

"Well, can't you just turn it off? Flip a switch in your brain or something?"

Rey sets her teeth, immediately regretting allowing Poe to have an audience alongside Finn. Confessing to being psychically bonded to the Resistance's biggest enemy was hard enough without him butting in. They're all squished into one of the secret storage compartments of the Falcon, one of the few places they can get any privacy. There's a porg mother nesting with her babies in here on a shelf, making soft cheeps every once in a while. Rey has her arm cradled around the nest to keep it from being jostled around by the ship's flightpath or any of the humans in the compartment.

"No," she says. "It doesn't work like that."

"Can you destroy it?"

"No." She refrains from adding that she wouldn't even if she could, that she'd sooner rip out her own throat.

Finn is strangely quiet.

"Finn?"

He looks up, then away. "How long has this been going on? Since Starkiller?"

A tremor goes through her. Had it started back then? She hadn't been able to see Kylo manifested in front of her when they were apart, but she felt… something… the moment he read her mind. Destiny, the Force whispers.

Was it? Was what she felt for her enemy predetermined? That might make it a little easier to stop heaping so much blame on herself for having compassion for him.

Despite that realization, Rey explains about how it had started one morning on Ahch-To. She leaves out the details about trying to blast him and then actually deigning to speak with him, albeit angrily. And she certainly doesn't describe how her hatred had melted over time. About how soft his voice could get. About what his hand on her hand felt like.

She trails off, tightening her grip on the porg nest so that the mother's little head is against her hip. Her explanation doesn't seem to reassure Finn.

"Is he doing some sort of weird mind control thing to you? You're being way too calm about this."

"What? No! He couldn't—Ben wouldn't—"

It slips. She doesn't think about it. It doesn't even occur to her that she has made a mistake until she looks at Poe and Finn's horrified expressions.

Poe holds his hands up, shuts his eyes, and shakes his head. "Wait, wait, we're calling him Ben now? That's a bit too chummy for me."

"Rey, are you serious?" Finn asks.

Telling them was a bad idea.

"I meant Ren," she says.

It's a really weak excuse but it's all she has.

"You've got to know that guy, Kylo Ren, is bad news," Poe says. "He tortured me for information and from what I've heard he did the same to you!"

The porglings start cheeping anxiously. Poe looks like he's ready to start pacing in what little floor space the cramped compartment offers, but Finn is very still. Her friend looks sick with worry and Rey hates that she's the cause of it. Well, her and Ben.

"Don't you remember what he did to you? To me?" Finn's voice lowers. "To Han?"

She doesn't know what to say to convince him. That they fought side by side? That he'd killed Snoke to save her? Or maybe the more unbelievable thing, that she had been the one to extend her hand to him first in a show of trust. Anything she could say will sound crazy, crazier than when she'd withheld telling Finn that she had the Force back on Starkiller.

"Finn, you have to understand, it's different now." Rey isn't sure she even believes herself at this point.

"Yeah, it's different, now he's ruling the galaxy!"

"That's not what I—"

"Wait," Poe cuts in, eyes going wide. "He could find the Resistance through you."

"No. We can't see the other's surroundings."

That had been evident even as far back as their first meeting. Tracking the Resistance through Rey could only be accomplished if he convinced her to outright tell him where they were, and that was never going to happen.

"How do we know you're not lying to protect him?" Poe asks. "And yourself."

"Who's this 'we' person? I trust Rey," Finn says, shifting to put himself between Poe and Rey.

"She could be under mind control, buddy, remember?"

"I'm not!"

"That sounds exactly like what someone under mind control would say," Poe says, pointing.

Rey looks down at the porg mother and pets her head, trying to calm down. The soft feathers and the porg's gentle cooing does help some.

The fact of the matter is that she's not under mind control, she's in love, and that's so much worse.


	2. Chapter 2

Kylo cannot be bothered to pay much attention to all of the new responsibilities he has. He goes through the motions, sure, giving orders and approving plans and outlining plans to crush anyone who acts against the First Order. But the fact that he can't share his immense power with his intended partner keeps him from enjoying it much.

Hux lingers in the doorway after a conference, rubbing his forefinger and thumb together, deliberating something. He turns back around and approaches Kylo's throne. The way that he drapes his greatcoat about his shoulders is meant to make him cut a more imposing figure, but to Kylo it just emphasizes the pathetic man beneath. He contemplates bodily throwing Hux out the door.

"Supreme Leader." The title comes out forced as usual.

"General Hux. I thought I dismissed you."

"I have some concerns about your current state of mind. You seem… distracted."

Hux wouldn't have dared to say something like that to Snoke. It's a blatant display of disrespect. They both know it. The idea of throwing him out the door with the Force looks better all the time.

Then he takes it a step further. "It's the girl, isn't it?"

Kylo's hands curl into fists. Is he that transparent? Or is Hux more perceptive than he gives him credit for?

The silence emboldens Hux. This has been something he's been deliberating over for a while, keeping to himself, desperate to accuse Kylo, he can tell. His speech deteriorates into a tirade.

"I've noticed a series of inconsistencies when it comes to her, Ren. Why did you bring her from Takodana instead of the BB unit? For that matter, why did you insist on interrogating her without the use of a torture droid? I can accept her defeating you—" Hux snickers to himself. "—but defeating you, the guards, and Snoke? That I have more trouble believing. There's something more at play here. There's something you're not telling me. When are you doing to confess what really happened that day?"

Hux is red in the face and near shouting by the end of it. He stops only to catch his breath.

When he finally speaks, Kylo's voice is frosty. "Are you accusing me of something? Or are you making the mistake of thinking I owe you further explanation?"

Hux's moment of boldness has left him, replaced with mounting terror.

He tries to backpedal. "I spoke out of turn—"

"You did."

"Forgive me, Supreme Leader."

Kylo stands and approaches Hux. "My forgiveness is not so easily won."

He doesn't need the Force for this. He punches the insubordinate general in the throat. Hux staggers back, bent over, wheezing, reaching for his neck. He opens his mouth in an attempt to speak again and a strangled croak is all that comes out.

Kylo looms over him. "If you ever say another word about the girl, I'm ripping your larynx out."

And then, with a hard shove of the Force, Kylo finally throws Hux across the room and out the door. Gesturing, he presses the mechanism that closes it.

Malevolent glee roils through Kylo as he settles back down on the throne. Having General Hux as his own personal punching bag may be one of the best perks of his new position. Deep down, though, he's a bit disturbed at how easily Hux had correlated his behavior to his feelings for Rey.

Just thinking her name makes him feel lovesick.

Soon after, a droid arrives with his dinner. Kylo hasn't been hungry in days. More often than not the food and the droid just end up ripped to pieces and thrown all over the room thanks to his misplaced anger. It's probably for the better that he doesn't eat anything. Hux probably had poison slipped into it.

Today, though, Kylo allows the droid to set down the elaborate meal and a goblet of wine beside him without attacking it. He stares at the ruby-colored liquid and wonders whether or not Rey has ever tasted alcohol. She can't have good associations with drinking after what her parents did to her in pursuit of it.

Right on cue, he feels a tingling sensation in the back of his neck. Kylo turns his head slowly. And there she is. Just to the side, sitting at his feet. Rey. Bundled in a shabby thermal blanket that he recognized as one from the Falcon and looking very, very small. She's asleep, but she couldn't look less relaxed. Her eyes rove beneath her lids.

Without a moment's hesitation, Kylo sets aside his meal and wine on one of the wide arms of his throne. Then he scoops her up in his arms and cuddles her close. Her slight weight in his lap and against his torso is everything. He pulls the blanket off of her in favor of swaddling her in his cape. The brief moment of cold when she's uncovered causes Rey to shift. She makes a low, confused noise and only at this point does it occur to him that it will probably scare her to have him looming over her when she wakes up. He should know that best of all.

But when Rey opens her eyes, she isn't startled. She blinks at him slowly.

"I wish I could stop dreaming about you," she sighs, snuggling her face into the crook of his arm.

"This isn't a dream." Kylo is wary of upsetting her; his voice is soft as eiderdown.

Rey becomes more alert nonetheless. He can feel her body tense against his. She lifts her head away from the crook of his arm, glances at his face, then looks away.

Kylo slides off one of his gloves and runs his fingers through her hair.

He wets his lips, then admits, "I've been dreaming of you too. The reality is better."

Does this count as reality?

Rey doesn't reply.

Kylo's hand stills. "Something's wrong. What is it?"

Rey frowns. "Did you read my mind?"

"No," he says. "Your face is an open book."

"So is yours. I don't miss that mask."

He does. He misses hiding behind it.

Rey shifts in his grasp, then sits up so that their torsos are parallel to each other. Kylo looks down at her face. His gaze lingers on her lips, but he's snapped out of it by what she says next.

"Ben, I told my friends about us. About our bond."


	3. Chapter 3

Rey can feel Kylo's muscles go tense around her, crushing her to him. She realizes that he's shoved aside her itchy thermal in favor of wrapping her in his cape. It's saturated with his scent—ozone and electrical burns and the strong disinfectant used on Star Destroyers.

She wishes that they could just kiss and hold and comfort each other, but she knows that an argument is coming.

"Why?" Kylo asks, and she can feel the low rumble of it in his chest. "Why would you do that?"

"I had to."

It had been eating at her in a way that Kylo won't—can't—understand. He harbors no guilt for having a member of the enemy in his head and heart. Despite his accusations of treason levied at Finn, Kylo doesn't seem to care much about betraying the Order, whether that was something as extreme as killing Snoke or something as small as speaking with her. He rules the First Order only so that he can amplify his own power, not because he cares for the principles that it stands by.

If anything were to bother him about their situation, it would probably be associating with someone of low birth. Rey shudders at the memory of how hard he'd come down on her parents' indigence. In Kylo's mind, even her lack of status could be fixed in his twisted fairytale ending to the conflict where she became his queen.

"I felt so alone," Rey continues, then shakes her head when he opens his mouth to interject. "I know, I remember what you said. But… for a long time I've still felt alone, even when our minds were linked. I can't abandon my friends, and I wanted them to know about us."

Even if that didn't end up being the best idea. Rey thinks of Finn's horrified expression.

"Do you think I need the approval of the scum of the galaxy?"

With that, Rey disentangles herself from Kylo's grasp. He seems reluctant to let go, but his vice grip loosens after a moment. Rey stands, wraps her arms around herself, and takes a few steps away, back facing him. As if distance will cure her of her affliction.

Rey had her own "room" tonight, one of the sleeping compartments in the Falcon by the engine. There isn't much more luxury here than in the other areas of the ship; it only has a couple of paces to walk around in, so she can't put much distance between herself and Kylo. It's better than being sandwiched against strangers in the Resistance, though. When she's on the brink of sleep, she can almost pretend she's back in her hammock in her AT-AT home, if she ignores the hum of the hyperdrive by her head.

Kylo stands and take a couple of clomping boot steps towards her.

"You're hurting yourself by caring about them, just like you hurt yourself by caring about your worthless parents," Kylo says, cruel as ever. "They're war criminals. They'll die any day. You shouldn't have to go down with them. You should be with me."

He hasn't changed at all. Rey feels naïve for thinking he did. She hugs herself more tightly.

"Is that a threat, Ben?"

"A warning."

His voice is soft and calm now. That makes her all the angrier.

"What's the difference?"

"I want you to stay safe," Kylo says. "I—"

Rey whirls on him, unfolding her arms in favor of clenching her fists at her sides, mimicking his usual stance. "Care about me? You shouldn't. I'm a war criminal that will die any day."

Kylo holds his hand out. He looks unsure about what to do with it, so he leaves it hanging limp in the air like a broken peace flag. Rey resolves to bite him if he tries to touch her again. She's sunk her teeth into Unkar Plutt's thugs so deep that they've bled and scarred. It will be no different when she gives him a new mark to remember her by.

"Rey," Kylo says. "You're not like them."

"Why? Because I have the Force or because you've decided I'm important enough for you?" She can feel her eyes beginning to sting. "Maybe my friends were right. Maybe you are controlling my mind. That's the only justification for having any feelings for a monster."

His hand drops and the fingers curl inward. "Are we back to that?"

"We never left." Rey scrubs at her eyes with her wrist even though the tears haven't begun to fall yet.

"Rey..."

"Leave me alone."

Kylo stands very, very still. Then he turns away and hurls something against a wall. The sound of glass breaking echoes and warps through the bond. He knocks something else over and the crash sounds like thunder.

They don't speak again for the remainder of the time that the Force keeps their minds locked together. Rey squeezes herself into the corner farthest from Kylo, prepared to lash out at him if he comes near. He doesn't. Instead he continues his rampage until there's nothing left for him to break.

Rey allows herself to cry when Kylo is finally gone. Picking up the blanket that he had discarded on the floor, she bundles herself up and lays down on her side, trying to get herself to sleep even through the stifled sobs.

A couple of clangs at her door startle her. She considers ignoring it and pretending to be asleep, but then she hears Finn's voice on the other side.

"Rey?"

Reluctantly she gets up and opens the door. Finn comes in, groping around in the dark until he finds the edge of the bunk and then sitting down on it.

"Hey, I'm sorry about Poe earlier, he—" Finn's eyes must have adjusted to the darkness, because he suddenly asks, "Are you crying?"

Rey sits down beside him and nods, not trusting herself to speak.

Finn wraps an arm around her. "What's wrong? If this is because of what Poe said—"

She shakes her head. Finn hugs her a bit tighter. It's reassuring and not at all possessive like Kylo's embrace had been. Rey limply hugs her friend back and rests her head against his shoulder, too worn out to do more.

Finn is quiet, then asks, slowly, "Was it… you know… him?"


End file.
